I decided that 2020 was the year of change for me. Equally, my hand was forced. Something inside me had shifted and I knew the life I had been living was no longer serving me in any way. I felt old doors closing on me, I felt the comfort blanket slipping away. It was how I imagine people in horror movies step right into a haunted house while the viewer sits at home shouting “you idiot!” at the TV screen. I knew I was stepping into the unknown, every cell in my body was repelling the inevitable insecurity that comes with change. But I felt compelled, like I knew there really was no other choice.
I was 27 and had left my full time job to care for my son almost a year before. I spent that year desperately trying to find my purpose. At first I was perfectly happy being a full-time Mum – I kissed bye bye to having to be at a desk at 8.30am and I loved having all that extra time to clean the house and do 4 loads of laundry every day. I embraced all the things I hated not being able to do because my job sucked my soul, energy and time from me.
When the novelty of Hinching my house wore off, I knew that I needed to do something more useful with my time. I have always loved learning; every year I can remember telling my Mum I wanted to go back to school just a few weeks into the summer holidays, and I remember her looking oddly back at me. I thrive off of interesting facts and widening my knowledge. So I just needed to decide what I would learn. In honesty, any subject interests me; business, finance, criminology – you name it. But as I looked into all these fields I didn’t feel any real connection to them, no area that I felt passionate about.
I tried to use my head over my heart when deciding my future career path and the steps I should be taking to enhance my prospects. I got my degree in education at 21, but the thought of becoming a teacher horrified me after I saw first-hand the sheer volume of a teachers workload. That wasn’t for me – I like to leave it all at the office, come home and pour myself a glass of wine or three!
I decided to work with older kids in a college, which I did enjoy but the pay was daylight robbery. I then worked with children under 5 who had a variety of special needs and their families. I was good at the job because I had my own experience; my son is autistic, non-verbal and I could relate to these children and their parents on so many levels. But in the end I found the work so mentally and physically exhausting – I was doing my paid job all day and then I felt like I came home and continued my unpaid job until bedtime, and then started all over again the next day. That’s when I left and promised myself that I wouldn’t do another job helping anyone, ever again. I’d given all of myself that I was willing to give and it left me drained.
I convinced myself that the career for me was one where the only person I was caring for was, well, me! My caring days were done, I’m a Mum and that’s all I’ve got room for! I could fix computers, I could decorate houses, breed dogs, be an accountant, all the while not having to directly care for another humans needs. Perfect! So I signed up to a certified bookkeeping course. I got my books in the post, I was raring to go with my calculator all fired up beside me. Then I quickly realised I found bookkeeping utterly boring. That’s not to say it is boring, that was just my own humble opinion that I very quickly formed when I realised VAT calculations did absolutely nothing for me. I felt deflated. I was back to square one.
I googled, youtubed and pinterested “how to find my life purpose”, and everything said to follow something that I enjoyed doing, something that sparked joy in me. I couldn’t think of one thing! I’m sure I could get to grips with equations if I tried to, but that didn’t spark joy. Designing kitchens in B&Q – no joy. Environmental issues – I care deeply, but I’m no Greta Thurnberg – no joy!
This rainy day parade continued hanging over my head for a few months. I was seriously down in the dumps, trying to find my passion in life when everything seemed to be instantly ruled out. But Christmas was approaching so I put the burning question on the backburner. I’d abandoned my bookkeeping course, so I thought I’d abandon all and eat myself into oblivion amongst all the festivities. By the end of December 2019 my confidence and motivation was at an all time low. I was at least ten pounds heavier, directionless, jobless and feeling like a small mammoth lying on the sofa wondering how I’m going to live without turkey and stuffing sandwiches every day once the excuse of Christmas had passed.
Then two pivotal things happened. Firstly, I stumbled upon the Meyer-Briggs Personality Test on Pinterest and gave that a go. Secondly, I watched a documentary which was both devastating and eye-opening, which made me give Veganuary a go. Both of these occurrences, amongst other things happening in my relationships with myself and others, inspired me to go into January 2020 knowing without a doubt that I had to change. That is the reason I decided to start this blog – because in two short months these changes allowed me to realise my life’s passion, spark more joy in me than I’ve ever felt and heal some things that I didn’t even know needed healing! In two months I’ve read a number of self-help books and mounds of content on the internet; articles, blogs, interviews. I listen to at least 3 podcasts every single day! I’ve absorbed a ton of life changing information! If I can share the resources that helped me start my journey into self-discovery and self-care then I can possibly help someone out there who is in the same rut that I was in, and that, I’ve recently realised, supports my life purpose.
Stay tuned for so much more about me and my journey, all of the self-help resources that I am absolutely loving and how they have helped me.
Thanks for reading!